Note: It’s Random Drug Test Wednesday! Pick a random drug from the bowl next to the kiddie pool and give it a shot. First one to smell sounds and taste colors wins a six-pack of pumpkin spice ivermectin. Good luck. —Mgt.
Percent chance that the CDC just elevated to its highest-risk covid category Iceland, Hungary, the Czech Republic, and Guernsey: 100%
Number of members of the International Alliance of Theatrical Stage Employees’ (IATSE) who would’ve gone on strike if they hadn’t approved a new contract Monday: 63,000
The last year there was a private-sector work stoppage of that size: 2007
Height of the Baby Yoda float debuting in this year’s Macy’s Day Parade: 41 feet
CHEERS to Infrastructure Week: Day 1. His $1.2 trillion victory in hand, President Biden strapped on Jetpack One and blasted off for New England’s ugly stepsister New Hampshire yesterday, where he spoke in front of a crumbling bridge. It was the first of many visits to cities and towns across the country that Joe and his team will use to promote the fresh infusion of cash that’ll be used to whip back into shape this pathetic country that, given how young we are relative to other industrialized nations, has been acting like a teenager who sits around stuffing his face with junk food while playing video games all day:
“This law is a blue collar blueprint to rebuild America and leaves nobody behind,” Biden said.
The bridge in Woodstock has been on New Hampshire’s “red list” since 2013, meaning it’s considered “structurally deficient” and requires inspections twice a year. Biden said the bridge can only carry 20 ton trucks, rather than 40 ton trucks, and that without the bridge it would be a 10 mile detour to cross the river.
“These bridges are essential in small towns, rural areas, to farmers and small businesses, like in my state of Delaware,” Biden said.
Moments after Biden spoke, Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter showed up in tool belts with welding torches and a pickup truck full of rivets, and an hour later the bridge was deemed structurally sound up to 180 tons. Damn, they’re good.
CHEERS to 40+ years of public service. Jackie Speier’s first election win happened in 1980—two years after she was shot five times during an ambush by the Jim Jones cult in Guyana—when she became the youngest person ever elected to the San Mateo County, California Board of Supervisors. Fast forward to 2021, and she’s now a beloved six-term congresswoman, having carried each of her House races with a minimum of 75% of the vote. But Jackie’s 71 now, and wants to move on to other things. So yesterday she inconvenienced us all by announcing she won’t run for reelection:
“It’s time for me to come home; time for me to be more than a weekend wife, mother and friend,” Speier, 71, said announcing her decision. “It’s been an extraordinary privilege and honor to represent the people of San Mateo County and San Francisco at almost every level of government for nearly four decades.” […]
Moving on to new adventures…
The California Democrat, a co-chair of the Democratic Women’s Caucus, spearheaded the Me Too movement in Congress several years ago when she shared her story of sexual harassment from her experience as a congressional aide. She was a major contributor to legislative reforms that were signed into law in 2018 that aimed to address sexual harassment on Capitol Hill.
I know exactly who should fill her seat: a woman of color. (I really should’ve been a political consultant. I’d be living on a yacht next to Joe Manchin by now.)
JEERS to the hunchback of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Forty-eight years ago today, in 1973, floundering President Richard Nixon uttered his immortal words: “People have got to know whether or not their president is a crook. Well, I’m not a crook.”
And to prove he wasn’t a crook, Gerald Ford shielded him with a “full and unconditional pardon” after Nixon resigned rather than face impeachment for crooky things like high crimes and misdemeanors. Trust me: the less you think about it, the more it makes sense.
CHEERS to a fine use of nib and ink. Seven score and eighteen years ago, on November 17, 1863, our forefather President Lincoln brought forth on this continent a first draft of his Gettysburg Address, conceived in wanting to make a broad statement about the strength of our democracy in dark times, and dedicated to the proposition that future generations of Americans will have no clue what a score is. Friday: the thrilling conclusion.
JEERS to doctors without licenses. That’s what the anti-vaxxers all think they are in their fever dreams—medical experts who know for a fact that the Covid-19 vaccines is witchcraft concocted by [insert liberal boogeyman or woman here, plus Dr. Fauci] to implant microchips in their brains, and cause them to “shed” all the patriotism out of their faith-and-freedom pores. So now, on top of fish tank water, horse-deworming paste, UV light up the tuchus, bleach cocktails & injections, and “Jesus Is My Vaccine” t-shirts, here comes the latest prescription from Dr. MAGA:
In a TikTok video that has garnered hundreds of thousands of views, Dr. Carrie Madej outlined the ingredients for a bath she said will “detox the vaxx” for people who have given in to Covid-19 vaccine mandates.
This totally gets the Nobel Prize in Medicine next year.
The ingredients in the bath are mostly not harmful, although the supposed benefits attached to them are entirely fictional. Baking soda and epsom salts, she falsely claims, will provide a “radiation detox” to remove radiation Madej falsely believes is activated by the vaccine. Bentonite clay will add a “major pull of poison,” she says, based on a mistaken idea in anti-vaccine communities that toxins can be removed from the body with certain therapies.
Then, she recommends adding in one cup of borax, a cleaning agent that’s been banned as a food additive by the Food and Drug Administration, to “take nanotechnologies out of you.”
What utter nonsense. The only alternative therapy that actually works to remove the vaccine from your system is wedging candy corn under your fingernails while singing Puccini on top of your car while stopped at a green light in the middle of a busy intersection at rush hour. Somebody post that on TikTok. And then get the results on video. For legitimate medical research purposes, you understand.
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Ten years ago in C&J: November 17, 2011
WHATEVER to going through the motions. The Feds are conducting a new round (the fourth) of “stress tests” on U.S. banks, to see if they can operate under extreme duress. It’s pretty simple: they drop Herman Cain into randomly selected bank lobbies to explain his 999 plan to see how long it takes before the tellers start sobbing. Today the Bank of America in Hoboken will try and break the current record: 5 seconds. [11/17/21 Update: Herman Cain is now dead from the coronavirus. He, of course, continues to deny it.]
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And just one more…
CHEERS to that people-powered dude. Since I know you appreciate being made to feel old, here’s a fun fact: when Howard Dean’s 2004 presidential campaign—the catalyst for bringing so many of us here to Daily Kos—was shifting into high gear, he was but a lad of 56. Today he finds 73 candles on his birthday cake.
Irrational exuberance on your birthday? I’ll allow it.
The former Vermont governor (first in the nation to sign same-sex civil unions into law—a quaint milestone, but groundbreaking at the time) became the loudest 2004 candidate to rail against the warmongering Bush II regime at a time when too many Democratic leaders were still searching for their spines. (His 2003 speech in Sacramento remains one of the most influential barn burners in modern political history.)
Of course, we all know Governor Dean met his Waterloo after he uttered “Yeah” in Iowa at a higher volume than is allowed in polite political society. He then went on to become the chairman of the DNC, unleashing a radical strategy that would give the Democratic party a robust presence in all 50 states, and remains forever a proud card-carrying Kossack. So when you’re pouring your first drinky this morning (may we recommend a cocktail made with pure Vermont maple syrup?), hoist it and send a happy birthday toast to ol’ Doc Dean. And you should also get together and bake him a cake. After all, YOU have the flour and YOU have the flour and YOU have the flour…!!!
Have a happy humpday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial
“Bottom line: You can get most of your immune boosting vitamins from the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool.”
