Trump asked Putin for dirt on Biden during the Ukraine invasion, but a few days ago Biden almost choked on a spicy pizza — the worst scandal in presidential history pic.twitter.com/q9VVeFhLAA
And for the record, George W. Bush didn’t choke on a pretzel. He was attacked by one sent by the Demonrats and successfully fought it off by beating it with his codpiece. Look it up. But only in a Texas schoolbook.
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, April 6, 2022
Note: Today is C&J’s annual Random Religious Objection Day. How it works is, you each get to draw one random religious objection from the God Jar and adhere to it all day long. It’s fun! I’ll go first. [Draws from God Jar] It says your incessant biological need to drink water goes against my sincerely-held religious beliefs. See you in court, hydrators!
CHEERS to footnotes in history. When you sit down with a gaggle (Herd? Pod? Murder?) of historians, you’re pretty much screwed if you try and fudge the facts on recorded history. So, finally, for the literal and official historical record, here’s the asshole who long denied what really happened in the election of 2020 un-denying what really happened:
“I didn’t win the election,” Trump said.
And lo the villagers did rejoice. Now lock the f*cker up.
JEERS to swirling eyes of evil. If it’s April, it must be hurricane season…or, to be more specific, hurricane prediction season. First out of the gate is AccuWeather, the Pennsylvania-based private company that in 2005 lined Senator Rick Santorum’s campaign coffers in exchange for his promise to try and neuter the government’s National Weather Service and eliminate them as a forecasting competitor. What a dick move. But they have some decent meteorologists, so it’s worth hearing what they have to say about the upcoming season:
Privately-held Accuweather Inc forecasts 2022 will be the seventh straight above-average Atlantic hurricane season seeing the formation of between three and five major hurricanes with sustained winds of at least 111 miles per hour, said Dan Kottlowski, senior meteorologist.
The canvas is blank, soon to be filled with 2022’s squiggly lines of doom.
Those major hurricanes are forecast to be part of six to eight hurricanes with winds of at least 74 mph out of 16-20 tropical storms in 2022, said Kottlowski, who is Accuweather’s lead hurricane forecaster. […]
Warmer than average seas, which power storms, and the absence of an El Nino weather pattern that sends high winds across the southern United States to break up hurricanes are the primary reasons for Accuweather’s forecast, Kottlowski said.
The names for 2022’s tropical storms are listed here. As always, if you’re named after a storm this year, you’re in charge of the cleanup.
CHEERS to great moments in synthetics. On April 6, 1869, the first form of plastic—celluloid—was patented. 153 years later, the talking heads at Fox News swear by it for their almost-lifelike appearance. Memo to Jeanine Pirro: time to order another case—you’re sagging again.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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I heard Betty Reid Soskin is retiring at 100, and want to congratulate her for more than a decade of service as a National Park Ranger. Betty, I hope you realize just how many people appreciate everything you’ve done—myself included. pic.twitter.com/lElFYwxVMg
CHEERS to little reminders. Forty-two years ago today, Post-It Notes were introduced by 3M. The road to market was a textbook case of serendipity. Little-known fact: A Post-It Note will play a central role in archiving our 45th president’s accomplishments at his Presidential Grift Shop:
Took Oath. Broke Stuff.
Got impeached twice. Lost. Pouted.
Died. Buried along with his name. Nobody came.
Meanwhile 84 years ago, in 1938, Roy Plunkett invented Teflon. It has saved many a meal…and many a presidency.
CHEERS to cool science. Hey, remember last Monday when we told you NASA had a BIG ANNOUNCEMENT for the following Wednesday? Of course you don’t—neither did I. These days I can’t remember what I had for breakfast on March 30, 1975, let alone March 30, 2022, despite guzzling gingko biloba pills by the pallet load. But anyway, yesterday our dog Haley reminded me via a series of nearly-illegible scrawls on our kitchen chalkboard that I’d promised to let you know what NASA’s BIGANNOUNCEMENT was. And you know what? For something so small it’s actually pretty darn BIG:
NASA’s Hubble Space Telescope has established an extraordinary new benchmark: detecting the light of a star that existed within the first billion years after the universe’s birth in the big bang—the farthest individual star ever seen to date. […]
When we finally see the actual spot where the Big Bang happened, my money says it’ll be an Airbnb that’s received dozens of police complaints.
The newly detected star is so far away that its light has taken 12.9 billion years to reach Earth, appearing to us as it did when the universe was only 7 percent of its current age. […]
“We almost didn’t believe it at first, it was so much farther than the previous most-distant, highest redshift star,” said astronomer Brian Welch of the Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, lead author of the paper describing the discovery, which is published in the March 30 journal Nature.
The star’s name is Earendel. And on behalf of all of us on Planet Earth, we’d like to apologize to Ms. Orpglorb McGillicutty-9z for inadvertently capturing the iconic image through her bedroom window before she’d had time to put on her size Triple-Z 49-cup sports bras as she was getting ready to go jogging around the methane track to maintain flexibility in her 322 tentacles. We’ll spring for some Levolors and SpaceX ’em to ya, ma’am.
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 6, 2012
Angus grows tired of your foolishness.
CHEERS to the Maine event. There’s a new poll out on our U.S. Senate race here (mission: replace Olympia Snowe), and it shows extremely soft support for the Republican and the Democratic candidates. Instead, Independent candidate (and former Governor) Angus King is leading the pack with 56 percent of the vote in a three-way matchup. There will, of course, be much vetting of King at the national and state level in the months ahead, including the crucial question of whether he’ll caucus with our side or the other side. Let’s see: he believes climate change is real, was an early cheerleader for GLBT rights, introduced computers to classrooms to enhance educational opportunities, is pro-choice and knows President Obama is an American citizen. Tough call. [4/6/22 Update: Angus, aka “The Mustache of Independence,” handily won his election and is currently in the middle of his second term as a beacon of common sense in the Senate. Our only regret up here: that he didn’t replace Susan Collins instead.]
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And just one more…
CHEERS to 30 days of tummy growlies. The Islamic holy month of Ramadan started over the weekend (our immigrant neighbors had a big pre-Ramadan bash Saturday—a good time was had by all), and we’d like to give a C&J shoutout to all of our Muslim readers around the world.
According to the mighty Wikipedia, “This annual observance is regarded as one of the Five Pillars of Islam. The month lasts 29–30 days based on the visual sightings of the crescent moon, according to numerous biographical accounts compiled in the hadiths.” It’s also a month of dawn-to-dusk fasting, which is why I’m an Episcopalian—our holidays are marked by dawn-to-dusk pancake suppers with real Maine maple syrup by the gallon. To mark the occasion on behalf of the nation, the Democratic President of the United States wished those who celebrate Ramadan a—spoiler alert—Happy Ramadan!
The Biden-Harris Administration wishes our Muslim communities a blessed and prosperous month of Ramadan. pic.twitter.com/7RiBxc8mQO
His Republican predecessor, who did not do that even once, will be surprised when he finds out his afterlife consists of 72 virgins beating him for eternity with bottles of spray-on tan.
Have a happy humpday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial
When many people think of Cheers and Jeers, the taste of Pineapple Kiddie Pool Whip, a soft-serve ice cream comes to mind.
