Monday House Democrats begin a two-week “district work period.” House Republicans begin a two-week “cocaine party” period.
Rachel Maddow returns to The Rachel Maddow Show. You won’t believe what she learned to do with nunchucks while she was away.
Tuesday The latest small business optimism index is released. As usual, there’s not much optimism among the smallest businesses, mostly because people keep accidentally stepping on them.
A group of plucky Ukrainian grandmas surround a platoon of Russian troops and apron-snap them to the nearest detention facility.
Continued…
Wednesday Oh poo. Another day, another day JFK Jr. doesn’t show up anywhere.
Mitch McConnell suffers a brief pang of conscience. It quickly passes and his office cancels the 911 call.
All week: Ukrainian farmers continue to harvest their new bumper crop.
President Biden announces another round of initiatives that will help the poor and middle class in the areas of health care, gas prices, child care, and national security. His poll numbers drop six points.
Thursday President Biden cancels his helpful Wednesday initiatives and announces new punitive ones that will make life more miserable for everyone but the rich. His poll numbers go up ten points.
America’s Republican governors issue a joint statement of apology to their citizens and Fox News after they realize they’ve gone a full day without signing a piece of anti-woman, anti-Black, or anti-LGBTQ legislation into law.
Friday The University of Michigan announces the consumer sentiment index for April. Analysts are puzzled as America’s mood swings from rebarbative to effulgent.
The spring fiddlehead forecast is released and, once again, experts are torn between “boiled” and “pickled.”
Saddle up and let’s get this foolishness over with by suppertime.
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Monday, April 11, 2022
Note: Today is National Pet Day. Be sure to give all your furry and feathered family members a big hug. Or, if your pet is a porcupine or a skunk, perhaps a friendly wave.
CHEERS to feeling the heat…again, maybe? I don’t know what the hell they’re doing over at the Manhattan DA’s office, but it’s just weird. First the previous DA vowed he was going after Trump with guns blazing for “slam dunk” real estate fraud. Then he seemed to slow it down. Then the new DA vowed to speed it up again. Then two prosecutors quit because the new DA told them he was dropping the investigation entirely. Then there was deafening silence. And now, two weeks later, the blazing guns machine is maybe ramping up again:
The Manhattan district attorney, in an unusual statement Thursday, sought to assure the public that his criminal investigation of former President Donald Trump and the Trump Organization is continuing despite the resignations of two prosecutors who were leading that probe. […]
This is Alvin Bragg. Get your shit together, buddy.
[Alvin] Bragg’s statement came two weeks after the disclosure of a letter to him by Mark Pomerantz, who with Carey Dunne, resigned in February from leading the Trump probe after Bragg reportedly told them he had doubts about indicting Trump. “The team that has been investigating Mr. Trump harbors no doubt about whether he committed crimes—he did,” Pomerantz wrote in the letter.
So the on, then off, then on again, then off again investigation of the former president and criminal mushbrain is back on. If only they’d caught him selling loose cigarettes on the street he’d be workin’ the rock pile at Rikers Island by now.
SACRE BLEU! to kicking the goose-steppers right in the ‘ol baguette. The world was on pins and needles Sunday. The planet’s despots were praying that Nazi-not-so-lite Cruella Le Pen would steal France’s soul and leap to first place in the first round of the presidential elections, while democracy-loving nations were hoping that sensible centrist and current wielder of the Roquefort scepter and Brie sash Emmanuel Macron would prevail. Happily…
Macron topped Sunday’s first round of the French presidential election with 28.5% of the vote, ahead of Le Pen’s 23.6%, according to initial projected results.
Biden’s guy came out on top and will easily defeat Trump’s gal on the 24th.
He scored higher than his result in the first round five years ago, and clearly gained support in the final hours of the campaign after his harsh warnings to voters to hold back the far right and protect France’s place on the international diplomatic stage amid the war in Ukraine.
All major candidates, except for the far-right TV pundit Éric Zemmour, immediately called for French people to vote tactically to keep out Le Pen in the second round.
Round two happens on April 24. May good triumph over evil like a steamroller flattening a wheel of camembert. Drolly, of course, with a cigarette hanging off its lip.
CHEERS to landmark legislation. One week after the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., President Johnson signed a companion bill into law 54 years ago today called the Civil Rights Act of 1968, aka the Fair Housing Act. The following housing issues became no-no’s:
Johnson signs the 1968 Civil Rights Act.
1) Refusal to sell or rent a dwelling to any person because of his race, color, religion or national origin.
2) Discrimination against a person in the terms, conditions or privilege of the sale or rental of a dwelling.
3) Advertising the sale or rental of a dwelling indicating preference of discrimination based on race, color, religion or national origin.
The law was expanded in 1988 to include disability and family status, and again in 1993 to prohibit the throwing of lawn darts at the Re/Max blimp.
JEERS to non-refundable tickets. 110 years ago this week, the unsinkable RMS Titanic set off for New York from Southampton, England. That cruise, as we all know, turned out to be a disaster. By all accounts the caviar was much too salty.
JEERS to the law of unintended consequences. This headline from Axios is alarming:
Holy mother of god, you know what this means? Voting for Ketanji Brown Jackson gives you COVID!!! I knew President Biden was up to something—he’s stealthily killing off a majority of the Senate so he can declare himself “King Joey” and give everyone health care, parental leave, reproductive freedom, voting rights, an expanded Supreme Court, free community college and ice cream, and a climate policy that’s the envy of the world. And all I can say about this brazen, unilateral liberal power grab is…please proceed.
P.S. Not to be outdone, the Great State of Maine is making its own bit of judicial history up here. One of our state district court judges—Rick Lawrence—just cleared the legislature’s judiciary committee, putting him one step closer to becoming Maine’s first Black state Supreme Court justice. The only significant hurdle remaining: demonstrating he can eat a lobster bib-less without spilling any butter on his tie.
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 11, 2012
JEERS to Rickrolling. Looks like we won’t have Santorum to kick around anymore, now that he’s officially leaving the campaign trail. But I say it was inevitable. After all, the golden rule is: whoever wins in South Carolina always becomes the nominee. Always. And since you asked, here’s how I expect it to go down: Ron Paul bows out for medical reasons, Mitt Romney turns back into an Easter Island statue, and Newt Gingrich sails to the nomination and a humiliating 90%-10% defeat at the hands of Obama. This thing is so baked. Wake me up when it’s November 7th. [4/11/22 Update: Ten years later, President Gingrich’s signature achievement, Moon Base Alpha, is doing wonders for America’s child astronaut labor sector. Dig faster, you damn kids—there’s precious metals in them thar craters.]
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And just one more…
CHEERS to doin’ a little Monday morning endorphin dance. Nothing will come of this. It’s false hope. Don’t put your Easter eggs in this basket. It’s just Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown again. On the other hand, I’ve been wrong a time or two. (See our flashback above.) So maybe this will be our Cinderella story:
A federal judge signaled Friday that she’ll likely allow a group of Georgia voters to move forward with their constitutional challenge against GOP Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, which claims she can’t run for reelection because she aided the January 6 insurrectionists. […]
Cross ‘em if ya got ‘em.
The 14th Amendment of the US Constitution prohibits officeholders from returning to elected positions if they supported an insurrection. The challengers claim that Greene can’t run for reelection because she “aided” the January 6 insurrection, allegedly planned with protest organizers and “encouraged” the violence that disrupted the Electoral College certification.
If the challenge is dropped, we’ll have to dislodge her in a way befitting her performance in Congress for the last year and a half: bug spray.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial
“If you’re in the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool, don’t be a jerk. Also if you are not in the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool, don’t be a jerk.”
