“Congratulations to Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson, who didn’t need to tell us what the definition of a woman is, but instead showed us: by breaking down barriers and achieving your goals, all while having to pretend Ted Cruz doesn’t exist.” —Samantha Bee
“Big news from the United Nations. This afternoon the U.N. General Assembly voted to suspend Russia’s membership in the Human Rights Council. Okay, that sounds right. You know what sounds wrong? Russia was on the Human Rights Council.” —Stephen Colbert
Continued…
You are now below the fold, where the mushrooms are all fluent in 16 languages.
“Former President Barack Obama today visited the White House, and out of habit Jeanine Pirro called for his impeachment.” —Seth Meyers
“That’s really got to bother Trump. All the lies and schemes and lawsuits to get back to the White House, and Obama just strolls right in there.” —Jimmy Kimmel
Ukrainians are leaving notes behind for Russians who are coming into their homes to loot. They say the same thing as Russia’s most popular board game. pic.twitter.com/OtwBLdmR5p
“Republican congressman Madison Cawthorn said in a recent interview that 70-year-old Republicans invited him to an orgy and did cocaine in front of him. Wait…so you went to the old-man orgy? And you thought the weird part was drugs?” —Colin Jost, SNL
“This guy’s head is stuffed with more crap than his pillows. And by the way, I was told not to say this, but I will: his stuff is crap. I mean, it’s absolute crap. You only find that kind of stuff in the Trump Hotel.” —New Hampshire Gov. Chris Sununu on MyPillow grifter Mike Lindell, at the Gridiron Dinner
“Republicans in Ohio are busy with the important business of trying to pass their own version of that ‘don’t say gay’ Florida law. This is the controversial bill that prevents schools from teaching students about LGBTQ and gender-related issues. Imagine stealing your horrible ideas from Florida, a state that leads the world in murders on pontoon boats.” —Jimmy Kimmel
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, April 8, 2022
Note: Due to a clerical error, the United States now belongs to the government of Denmark. We regret the inconvenience, but at least now we’ll get some decent shit done. —Mgt.
Minimum number of witnesses who have testified before the House Jan. 6 special committee:800
Percent of men and women, respectively, ages 50-79 and surveyed by AARP who say their mental health is very good or excellent:70%, 54%
Increase in marijuana potency between 1975 and 2017, according to JAMA:24%
Estimated number of chocolate Easter bunnies that will be sold this year, thanks to President Biden making a dent in our supply chain issues because he loves his country and wants what’s best for us and our children, unlike the Republicans who are all pedophile enablers:92 million
CHEERS to April 7. On that auspicious day in the Year of Our Flying Spaghetti Monster 2022, history was carved into America’s soul the way the Ten Commandments (or, as the GOP calls them, “suggestions”) were carved into solid rock by furious lightning, the Republic’s beating heart once again rejuvenated by the defibrillator paddles of progress, Liberty’s beacon shining like a giant, throbbing energy-efficient-yet-still-aesthetically-pleasing floodlight of freedom, a rebellion against the status quo having successfully raged into a bonfire that BURNED THE BRUSH OF TYRANNY TO ASHES FROM WHICH THE GREEN SPROUTS OF JUDICIAL DESTINY NOW SPROING!!!!!! [Ahem.] Judge Jackson‘s in.
Nice to have a justice who, unlike the last three confirmed, doesn’t look like Satan when she smiles.
I predict her first words to Sonia Sotomayor and Elena Kagan will be: “Sam Alito: big jerk…or biggest jerk ever?” (The answer will not shock you.)
JEERS to ominous signs. Speaking of justice, what the ever-loving eff yoo see kay is going on over in the mancave of the attorney general—or should we start calling Him Stonewall Garland?
House Oversight Committee Chair Carolyn Maloney, D-N.Y., is alleging that the Department of Justice is “obstructing” the panel’s investigation into former President Donald Trump by blocking the National Archives from handing over relevant documents.
Maybe he’s just working on something big. Really big!
In a letter to Attorney General Merrick Garland Thursday, Maloney said the DOJ is “preventing” the National Archives from cooperating with the committee’s request for documents and information, “including an inventory of 15 boxes of documents recovered from the former president’s Mar-a-Lago residence.”
[…]
She asked Garland to confirm by April 14 whether the DOJ will tell the Archives that it may fully cooperate, including by giving Congress the inventory of the documents recovered from Mar-a-Lago.
If Garland delivers his response while wearing a shiny new red baseball cap, we may need to have a little talk with the president about delivering us a new attorney general.
CHEERS to a fine FLOTUS. Happy Birthday to the late Betty Ford on what would be her 104th birthday. She gained fame in an era that many Americans can vaguely remember—namely, a time when the GOP had a smattering of class. But even then, she was a persistent thorn in her party’s side:
Throughout her husband’s term in office, she maintained high approval ratings, though some on the far-right of her own Republican Party strongly opposed her on more liberal social issues.
Happy Birthday, Betty. Regards to Gerald.
Betty Ford was noted for raising breast cancer awareness with her 1974 mastectomy and was a passionate supporter for the Equal Rights Amendment.
Pro-choice on abortion and a leader in the Women’s Movement, she gained fame as one of the most candid first ladies in history, commenting on every hot button issue of the time from sex to drugs.
Her most enduring legacy, of course, is the Betty Ford Center. Sadly, the center doesn’t have a wing for candy corn addicts like me. But I’m happy to say my self-administered Charms Blow Pop replacement therapy seems to be holding. One day at a time.
— Mack & Becky Comedy (@MackBeckyComedy) April 2, 2022
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to a civil end to a most uncivil war. Big anniversary tomorrow—in fact, it oughtta be a federal holiday. On April 9, 1865, following his final late-night cocaine orgy, Robert E. Lee called it quits and surrendered to Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox Court House in Virginia, effectively ending the southern traitors’ War for the Preservation of Owning Humans for Forced Labor.
Give the racist a purple nurple, Ulysses.
Several years ago a demographic historian concluded that the death toll of the war was much higher than originally thought—750,000 versus the original 620,000. Sadly, another number has also been extended far beyond its original estimate: the number of years it’s taking too many white people in the South to admit they lost and put away that damn confederate battle flag. As Congressman James Clyburn (D-SC) reminded them a few years back, even slave owner and avowed racist treason-monger Lee had at least enough self-awareness to concern himself with post-war optics:
“When Robert E. Lee surrendered he asked all of his followers to furl this flag. Stow it away, he said. Put it in your attics,” Clyburn continued. “He refused to be buried in his Confederate uniform. His family refused to allow anyone dressed in the confederate uniform to attend his funeral. “Why? Because Robert E. Lee said he considered this emblem to be a symbol of treason.”
He also didn’t want any statues of him put up, a request that fell on deaf ears as groups like the Daughters of the Confederacy erected hundreds of them (of Lee and other CSA icons, including a fresh batch in the 1960s to remind the civil rights movement to remember “their place”) as a way of living in denial of their treason. I’ll give the ‘em credit for one thing: they sure picked the right theme song. “Look away, DixieLand.” Mission accomplished.
CHEERS to home vegetation. The elephant in the room on TV this weekend is the 52nd annual pre-Easter airing of Cecil B. DeMille’s bladder buster The Fifteen Ten Commandments tomorrow night—for FIVE freaking hours—on ABC, featuring the mom from The Munsters as Moses’ wife and music by the guy who also scored Airplane! and Ghostbusters. (Spoiler Alert: Ramses fails to defeat Moses when his chariot army gets stopped by an Evergreen container ship stuck in the Suez Canal.) Remember: if you get up from your couch to pee at any time between 7pm and midnight, you’re going straight to Hell.
Moses gets busy (again) tomorrow night.
Meanwhile the most popular movies and home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NHL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and hooray we can add the Major League Baseball schedule back again. Also this weekend we have The Masters (tomorrow and Sunday afternoon on CBS), during which PGA golfers will compete to see who can commit the most egregious fashion violation in pursuits of the coveted “Puke Green Jacket.”
Tomorrow night Jake Gyllenhaal hosts SNL.
Sunday evening, Scott Pelley interviews badass Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy from Kyiv on 60 Minutes. Lisa meets the son of musician Bleeding Gums Murphy on The Simpsons. And John Oliver wraps up the weekend with another edition of Last Week Tonight at 11 on HBO.
Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup. Please hold your applause until forever:
Meet the Press: National Security Adviser Jake Sullivan; Ukrainian Foreign Minister Dmytro Kuleba; economic weird guy Larry Summers.
Face the Nation: National Security Adviser Jake Sullivan; Ukrainian Ambassador to the U.S. Oksana Markarova; former DHS Secretary Jeh Johnson; Cleveland Fed president Lorretta Mester.
The ghost of Henry Clay will show up to talk about the exciting prospects for the Whigs in the midterms.
CNN’s State of the Union: Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau; Jan. 6 committee co-chair Liz Cheney (R-WY); Global Citizen CEO Hugh Evans; European Union President Ursela von der Leyen.
This Week: TBA
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Senator Mitch “I have no red lines when it comes to ethics or morals and you can quote me on that” McConnell (The Cult-KY).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 8, 2012
JEERS to Caterpillargate. Hey, ladies, you might be interested to know that, in addition to sluts, prostitutes and freeloaders, Republicans now think you’relike squirmy insects:
“If the Democrats said we had a war on caterpillars, and every mainstream media outlet talked about the fact that Republicans have a war on caterpillars, then we have problems with caterpillars,” [Republican National Committee Chairman Reince] Priebus said. “The fact of the matter is it’s a fiction.”
And to support his contention that there is no war on women, Priebus’s home state governor, Scott Walker, repealed a law making women’s paycheck equal to men’s. Even the caterpillars did a facepalm. (Which is really tough for them to do because, y’know…no palms.)
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Kodak moments. If Donald Trump’s presidential photographer—who he recently stiffed because that’s his prime directive on Planet Earth—had ever gotten a shot like this, it would be framed and hanging on every Republican’s living room wall as a totally-real example of their divine awesomeness. Instead, a different president’s photographer (the great Pete Souza) snapped it six years ago this week, and Republicans lost their collective shit. In the hopes that it might make them chew through a few more inches of sheet metal in their survival bunkers, here’s a replay for nostalgia’s sake:
And, by contrast, here’s Obama’s one-term successor:
Mother Nature. Definitely a Democrat.
Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?
