Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Leftover Peeps FRIDAY!

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Late Night Snark: Judge Dumb Dumb Edition

“In Florida, a federal judge struck down the  mask mandate in place for passengers on airplanes, trains and buses. Governor Ron DeSantis, of course, praised the decision. He tweeted, ‘Great to see a federal judge reject the Biden transportation mask mandate.’ Or as he calls it: Critical Face Theory.”
—Jimmy Kimmel

“You can’t let Florida make health decisions for the entire country! That’s not smart. The Florida food pyramid is just gator jerky and meth.”
—Stephen Colbert

Continued…

You are now below the fold. Ha Ha—OSHA has no power down here.

“Republican politics these days is often so relentlessly stupid it genuinely feels like we’re being punished for something. It’s like we got busted watching an episode of Maury and God said, ‘Okay, ya like that? How about if everything is an episode of Maury from now on? Do you like that?‘”
—Seth Meyers

“If you think Florida is overreacting now, just wait until they find out that math can be non-binary.”
—Trevor Noah

Happy Easter from a neighbor who’s too lazy to take down his decoration from Halloween. pic.twitter.com/tEbyw60uWf

— Conan O’Brien (@ConanOBrien) April 17, 2022

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“Video was posted of a San Francisco police officer pulling over a driverless car, and then the car driving away after the officer saw no one was behind the wheel. Even more amazing, he still managed to shoot an unarmed black guy.”
—Michael Che, SNL

“InfoWars, the far-right crisis factory owned by crisis loaf Alex Jones, has filed for bankruptcy. Obviously if InfoWars went away, Alex Jones and his fans would have a hard time without their supplements. Which is why I’d like to offer my own male supplement to them called Bee’s Quiet. It’s a safe, all-natural remedy. You just fill your mouth with all of them at once to help you shut the fuck up.”
—Samantha Bee

And now, our feature presentation…

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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, April 22, 2022

Note: Just a quick heads-up that C&J will be taking the day off Monday so that we can use the weekend to recharge our batteries as we prepare for the headlong sprint into the final crazy 250 days of 2022. Back Tuesday morning as a floating apparition in the lotus position spouting trite zen sayings that will drive you mad. Because to drive madness without sayings is to say madness without driving.  —Mgt.

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By the Numbers:

Days ’til the start of the Memorial Day weekend: 35

Days ’til the Bodega Bay Fisherman’s Festival in California: 8

Rank of Irvine CA, Bellevue WA, and Atlanta GA on Lawnstarter’s list of cities with the most alternative-fuel stations per 100,000 residents: #1, #2, #3

Percent of the electric car market occupied by Tesla and Volkswagen: 14%, 11%

Amount Volkswagen will spend over the next five years as they prepare to go all-electric in the next ten: $7 billion

National rank of Mainers among Americans most likely to see a supernatural phenomenon, according to the oddsmakers at Great Lakes Stakes: #1

Rank of Texas among states with the most reported ghost sightings: #1

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Puppy Pic of the Day: The great esca… Oops, never mind.

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CHEERS to the weekend. It’s Friday night in Ron DeSantis’s America. We end the week as it began: with war, Republicans plotting to kill democracy, mask hysteria, cataclysmic man-made climate change (happy Earth Day, by the way), a uniquely-American gun fetish, and a generation of young’uns who will be worse off than their parents, who are themselves worse off than their parents. But it’s the weekend, so lets not concern ourselves with such brain clutter, because…

I just opened a bottle of ripple. Would you like to sniff the screw cap first? I’m told that last Tuesday was an excellent year.

CHEERS to the big event in Baguette Land. Keep an eye on the news Sunday. The French, being infinitely smarter than we are about elections, will be voting on a weekend for their president. Their choices are: a moderate dude who’s pretty cool and reality-based…or Adolf Hitler in stilettos. While nothing is certain in life other than death and Rudy Giuliani showing up on The Masked Singer, it appears that the French people will choose wisely, thanks in part to the one and only debate:

[S]ome 59% of viewers found Macron to have been the most convincing in the debate, according to a snap poll for BFMTV.

That suggested the almost three-hour showdown would not alter the course of the election, with Macron ahead in all previous polls.

Voter surveys have shown a widening of Macron’s lead over Le Pen to as much as 56%-44% since the first round on April 10, and analysts said the debate was unlikely to swing voting intentions in Le Pen’s favour.

Want to hear something really adorable? This is so cute: in French elections, whoever gets the most votes wins. Oh, France. I just want to pinch your adorable little cheeks.

CHEERS to rebuffing rabid Republicans.  Sixty-eight years ago today, the Senate Army-McCarthy hearings began. The villain was Ann Coulter’s hero (really, seriously)—a first-class jerk and pre-Ted-Cruz Ted Cruz named Joseph McCarthy, aided and abetted by future Trump lawyer Roy Cohn (really, seriously)—for whom it went very badly:

[T]he Army–McCarthy hearings ultimately became the main catalyst in McCarthy’s downfall from political power. Daily newspaper summaries were increasingly unfavorable toward McCarthy, while television audiences witnessed firsthand the unethical tactics of the junior Senator from Wisconsin.

On December 2, 1954, the Senate voted 67–22 to censure McCarthy, effectively eradicating his influence, though not expelling him from office. …

After his censuring, Senator McCarthy continued his anti-Communist oratory, often speaking to an empty or near-empty Senate chamber.

Turning increasingly to alcohol, McCarthy died of hepatitis on May 2, 1957, at age 48.

Spoiler alert: At long last, he had no sense of decency.

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BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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JEERS to getting emphysema at 35,000 feet. My mom was a smoker, and I’ll never forget flying with my parents and having to sit at the back of the plane because that was where the smokers sat so they wouldn’t “bother” the non-smokers sitting in front of them. Uh huh, sure:

What were we thinking?!!   Thankfully the ban on airborne puffery went into effect 34 years ago tomorrow. So now all we have to worry about is engines blowing apart, increases in climate-change-related turbulence, catching a lung-incapacitating virus, red-hatted anti-maskers, proselytizing right-wing Christian guitar strummers, seat kickers and baby screamers. In other words: God bless Amtrak.

CHEERS to easy layups. Sunday is “National Pigs in a Blanket Day.”  Or as it’s also known: “Nap time at Mar-A-Lago.”

CHEERS to home vegetation. It’s a slim pickins kind of weekend for the teevee box, so just the basics this week. The most popular movies and home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes.  The NHL schedule is here, the NBA playoff schedule is here, and the Major League Baseball schedule is here.  SNL is a repeat. But Lisa befriends an octopus Sunday night on a new episode of The Simpsons. And speaking of Sunday,11 years after a Democratic president killed the world’s #1 arch-villain Osama bin Laden, 60 Minutes has a report on what was in all the papers and documents they confiscated. (Spoiler alert: lots and lots of good old-fashioned infidel porn.) And after that you’re on your own because even John Oliver is taking the weekend off.

Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:

Meet the Press: TBA

Face the Nation: Ukraine’s Prime Minister Denys Shmyhal; Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA); President of the European Central Bank Christine Lagarde.

This Week: TBA

CNN’s State of the Union: Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA); rep. Victoria Spartz (The Cult-IN); White House covid-19 response coordinator Dr. Ashish Jha.

Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Reps. henry Cuellar (D-TX) and Elise Stefanik (The Cult-NY).

Happy viewing!

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Ten years ago in C&J: April 22, 2012

CHEERS to taking a bite out of slime. Newt Gingrich, the candidate who handily won the South Carolina primary and therefore will absolutely, positively win the Republican nomination for president, got bit by a penguin this week.  Thus confirming my long-held suspicion about the former Speaker: he’s really a giant herring in a human bodysuit. [4/22/22 Update: Sadly, Newt survived. Even more sadly, the penguin died from an incurable case of Gingrich poisoning.]

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And just one more…

CHEERS to a big eye in the sky. 32 years ago Sunday, the Hubble space telescope was placed into orbit by the crew of the Space Shuttle Discovery. And instead of birthday cake and ice cream, we’re serving something a little more tasty: a fresh image of the Crab Nebula…

When the early Hubble photos were revealed to we Earthlings, Democrats saw the wonder of an evolving universe and the hope of discovering intelligent life one day and harnessing our collective strengths for the good of the cosmos.  Republicans saw potential fracking fields and the hope of discovering millions of new suckers on which to foist reverse-mortgages, political fundraising scams, and unscrupulous payday lenders. Eh. Potato, Puhtahto, right?

Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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