“In a new interview, Donald Trump said that he wanted to join the January 6 march on the Capitol, but that the Secret Service wouldn’t allow it. Also keeping him from storming the Capitol: steps.” —Michael Che, SNL
“Turns out Russian troops are sabotaging themselves. Back in February Russia occupied Chernobyl, and now we’re learning that those soldiers stole dangerously radioactive items from the nuclear plant to keep as souvenirs. Well, of course—you can’t go to Chernobyl without checking out the gift shop. ‘Look, Hon, they have a t-shirt that says I Had A Nuclear Blast At Chernobyl. It’s got five arm holes!'” —Stephen Colbert
Continued…
You are now below the fold, where everything is made of chocolate.
“Health officials in Washington D.C. confirmed that a fox that bit a congressman near the Capitol had rabies. Officials suspect the fox contracted rabies when it was bitten by Marjorie Taylor-Greene.”
—Colin Jost, SNL
“[Mick Mulvaney] was very recently the budget director and acting chief of staff in the most corrupt administration since the Lannisters. CBS…baby…I know you’re trying your best. But the next time Hannibal Lecter isn’t available for a segment, maybe just use a haunted ventriloquist doll.” —Samantha Bee
Meme of the week. Took me forever to notice that’s a farmer…
“Covid is ripping through Washington D.C. right now. It’s just nice to see the Capitol overrun by something that doesn’t smear feces in Nancy Pelosi’s office.” —Trevor Noah
“Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson became the first Black woman to be confirmed to the Supreme Court, and I can’t believe I have to say this: Brett, that champagne was for everybody!” —Seth Meyers
Can I blame autocorrect for things like tax evasion? —Conan O’Brien via Twitter
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, April 15, 2022
Note: Due to a scheduling conflict, the Easter Bunny will be on a junket in Abu Dhabi this weekend. In its place will be Good King Wenceslas in a bunny costume. (He needs the off-season work. Uber just isn’t cutting it.) —Mgt.
Date the federal travel mask mandate expires after being extended a couple weeks: 5/3/22
Estimated number of glorious Russia battle tanks for homeland and leader Putin that have been destroyed by Ukrainian soldiers, farmers, and grandmothers so far:500
Percent that Amazon—one of the world’s most comfortably-profitable companies—will start charging sellers who use their fulfillment services as a “fuel and inflation” surcharge:5%
CHEERS to space invaders. It’s Friday night of Easter weekend, the flowers are blooming, the birds are singing, and I don’t feel like force-feeding you the latest crappy news. Suffice it to say all the sociopathic and genocidal billionaire maniacs continue making Planet Earth a living hellscape by design, and none of it matters because unstoppable cosmic forces are still on track to turn our little blue marble into a white dwarf the size of a Menthos and suck on us ’til we’re gone. But while you’ve got cosmic forces on your mind, here are three updates on space stuff that’ll make you drop your Ensure and cry out “Holey moley, I hope I’m around when that shit goes down!”
» First, a reminder that we’re just two years away from the next full solar eclipse in the U.S., which will sweep across Maine, making it an April 2024 eclipse-tourism hellscape, and if you people park on the illegal side of our street to watch it from the Back Cove you’ll return to find nothing but a pile of lug nuts.
I’ll pause while you compose yourself after busting a gut over this brilliant sight gag I spent 8 hours thinking up.
» A giant comet named Fluffy is visiting our solar system in 2031. It won’t be passing near us, so they say. But if it does, I suggest we all watch the comet-destroying-the-Earth dramedy Don’t Look Up again…and then do the opposite of whatever the hell they did.
» And finally: it’s now confirmed that the space rock known as “The Earl of Tinkleberry,” which splashed down in New Guinea eight years ago, did in fact come from another solar system. But they say it’s not the first “interstellar meteor” to visit us, and since coming in second place means you’re a loser, we’re launching it back into space with a series of Anthony Robbins video seminars so it can develop a winner’s attitude before returning.
The above summary items have been reviewed and approved by Space Force. Mainly because they have absolutely nothing better to do with their time.
CHEERS to holiday fevuh! 2022 years ago today (or thereabouts), a bunch of Roman thugs nailed a rabbi to a cross while the filthy rabble with six teeth among them and a combined IQ of 12 allegedly watched Jesus Christ suffer and moan and dehydrate and bleed to death in the baking sun. I’ll never understand why Christians call it “Good Friday.” Sounds more like Monday to me.
Passover is gets underway tomorrow through next Sunday. For Jewish people it’s a celebration of the exodus of the Israelites from Egypt. For conservatives, it’s a celebration of what modern-day Republicans do to competent people.
Then, two days from today is Easter Sunday, which is notable for two things: the day the aforementioned Christ the Savior rose from the dead, and the day Lenny the tomb attendant checked into rehab.
Oh, and we should probably mention that, due to his delivery truck being detained at the border for 150 unnecessary vehicle inspections by Texas governor Greg Abbott, the Easter Bunny is unable to deliver candy and eggs this year. For your safety, please lock your family in the bathroom until his replacement, the Easter Python, has left your home. Also for your safety, it’s probably a good idea to take the eggs the Easter Python leaves in your Easter baskets to the reptile hut curator at your nearest zoo. Quickly.
JEERS to the coin-tosser-in-chief. Sixteen years ago tomorrow, George W. Bush, in yet another moment of detachment from reality, proclaimed after 5½ years of utter incompetence: “I’m the decider and I decide what’s best.” If history may weigh in on that, sir? You sucked at deciding.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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A 360-degree view of the Moon’s surface in high resolution captured by the Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter spacecraft. Credit: LRO/ASU/NASA pic.twitter.com/26Qm2MMFga
Full moon tomorrow night. Make a note to get yer butt
in the back yard, look up, think of Neil Armstrong and
Michael Collins (Buzz still walks among us), and give it a wink.
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to the unsinkable ship—the one that’s in the process of sinking over yonder. 109 years ago this morning, the Titanicplunged to the icy depths of the Atlantic after scraping an iceberg. Today it seems an apt analogy for the Republican party: a once-proud icon thought to be invincible that, because of poor design, shoddy workmanship and an air of arrogance on the part of the people in charge, is sinking because it wasn’t looking where it was going and will eventually end up a rusting hulk stuck in the mud and you can’t do anything with it but re-arrange the deck chairs. But the movie was okay.
CHEERS to home vegetation. No matter how much you adjust your rabbit ears, you won’t find a whole lot to hippity-hop about on the tube this Easter weekend. Our picks tonight are the latest on Ukraine from MSNBC, a The Office marathon on Comedy Central, and a breakthrough in cat toys on Shark Tank.
Yay Red Sox on my TV. Boo everyone else’s team.
Meanwhile the most popular movies and home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NHL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and the Major League Baseball schedule is here. Lizzo hosts SNL. I don’t know if Pope Francis is doing his Easter morning service or not, but if he is it’ll be aired on every channel starting around 3am. (Do tell me how much you enjoyed it when we meet up here Monday morning.)
On 60 Minutes: a report on the future of flying vehicles that “may soon have people soaring over bumper-to-bumper traffic.” (Sure…what could go wrong?) No Simpsons or Family Guy Sunday night because of a NASCAR thing, but Jane Lynch hosts a new edition of Weakest Link Sunday at 9. And John Oliver wraps up the weekend with another edition of Last Week Tonight at 11 on HBO. Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: White House Covid-19 response coordinator Dr. Ashish Jha; Austrian Chancellor Karl Nehammer; Rep. Fred Upton (R-MI).
This Week: NYPD Commissioner Keechant Sewell; NYC Mayor Eric Adams.
Maybe he’ll sink another Russki ship during this interview.
Face the Nation: Ukrainian Foreign Minister Dmytro Kalebo; Sister Norma Pimentel, Catholic Charities of the Rio Grande Valley Executive Director; Sen. Chris Coons (D-DE); David Beasley, Executive Director of the United Nations World Food Programme; Former commander for U.S. Army forces in Europe Lt. Gen. (Ret.) Ben Hodges.
CNN’s State of the Union: Ukraine Badass Volodymyr Zelensky; Dave Matthews unveils a new song in support of refugees, causing Greg Abbott’s ears to bleed.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Traitor to his country Kevin McCarthy (The Cult-CA); White House Covid-19 response coordinator Dr. Ashish Jha.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 15, 2012
CHEERS and JEERS to deeds of varying levels of derring-do-ness. Thinking of someone other than himself, Newark, New Jersey Mayor Cory Booker saves a woman from a burning house. Meanwhile, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, thinking of no one but himself, saves the Hudson River Tunnel from a burning need. Film at 11.
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And just one more…
Duncan Black, aka Atrios. One of bloggerdom’s original freedom fighters and creator of the catchphrases “Heh indeedy” and “Preznit giv me turkee.”
CHEERS to the Baby Blue Cherub. Everybody stop by and say “Heh indeedy” to Atrios (aka millstone-around-Philadelphia’s-neck Duncan Black) Sunday on the 20th anniversary of his Eschaton blog. Few dirty fucking hippies can reduce the traditional media and punditry’s wankery to one or two lines of cool-as-a-cucumber snark like this communist peacenik can, and he’s been one of my blogger north stars for the duration. He was especially ahead of the curve on the ‘08 economic meltdown and the Iraq debacle, and he led the charge to expand Social Security. His latest crusade: predicting the inevitable doom ofdriverless cars and picking on poor, poor Elon Musk. Besides that, his is a classic, old-fashioned blog that looks the same as it did during the Dark Times of 2002 (although he happily embraced the twitter revolution early on). By the way, this was the moment on April 17, 2002 when he flicked the switch for the first time:
Is this thing on?
by Atrios at 22:13
0 comments
Yes, it’s still on. And if it ever shuts down, civilization is doomed.
Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?
