Tomorrow is the 51st Earth Day, an event we celebrate every year to remind ourselves that we do not, in fact, have to be the biggest parasites on the third rock from the sun. We choose to be. Unlike the other parasites, we know what we’re doing to this planet…and how…and why…and the kinds of things we must do to stop turning it into a ball of uninhabitable human-made garbage. (Awful as it is, the pandemic at least briefly provided us a glimpse of the cleaner planet we used to know.) To mark the occasion, this year I pledge to…
☼ Save water by enlisting the cat to teach me how to switch over exclusively to tongue baths.
☼ Dispose of my spent fuel rods properly instead of selling them to children as “Super Happy Fun Time Glow Sticks.”
Continued…
☼ Restrict my use of “fracking” to its handiness as an adjective paired with the word “idiots” to describe people who displease me.
☼ Contribute to healthy forests by teaching the red-hatted cultists that watering trees “with the blood of tyrants” actually kills them. Fracking idiots.
☼ only visit salons that rely on used cooking grease to power their testicle tanners.
See, this is the problem with plants. They grow to monstrous size and punch holes through the delicate ozone layer.
☼ Fart only on odd-numbered days. (This one will be tough. I may need to attend support group meetings to stay on the wagon.)
☼ Vote for Democrats.
☼ Continue not interfering with the coal industry’s timely demise.
☼ Encourage “teachable moments” by pointing at people drinking out of plastic water bottles and yelling into a bullhorn, “You resource-sucking energy whore, you’re killing us!!!” And then hand them an educational pamphlet.
☼ Retrofit our car with hybrid technology so it only runs on gas when the team of kittens gets too tired to pull it.
☼ Clone a grand army of Greta Thunbergs in my lab. Or, to be more precise, continue cloning an army of Greta Thunbergs in my lab.
In short, as an inhabitant of this spectacular planet, I’ll continue to try and treat it with the respect it deserves by following the Four Rs: “Reduce, Reuse, Recycle, and Reelect Democrats.”
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, April 21, 2022
Note: Due to a totally-foreseen accident involving a testicle tanner, an army of ferrets in red jumpsuits and a packet of sunflower seeds, there will be no C&J on Monday. Back Tuesday to defer all questions about the incident to my attorney. —Mgt.
Rise in pre-tax profits last year among American companies versus 2020, the highest rise since the 1950s and much of it due to using “inflation” as a cover to price gouge customers according to watchdog group Accountable.US: 25%
Percent of renters who expect to own a home in the future, down from 51% last year according to the Federal Reserve Bank of New York: 43%
Expected number of jobs in Moscow alone, according to its mayor, that are expected to evaporate because of Vladimir Putin’s invasion of Ukraine: 200,000
Tons of asphalt that’ll be replaced during the repaving at the Portland, Maine Jetport: 34,000
Number of years Chuck Grassley has held elected office: 63
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
May I remind you what this election is about?
Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo, unprecedented presidential powers, unmatched incompetence, unparalleled corruption, unwarranted eavesdropping, Katrina, Enron, Halliburton, global warming, Cheney’s secret energy task force, record oil company profits, $3 gasoline, FEMA, the Supreme Court, Diebold, Florida in 2000, Ohio in 2004, Terri Schiavo, stem cell research, golden parachutes, shrunken pensions, unavailable and expensive health care, habeas corpus, no weapons of mass destruction, sacrificed soldiers and Iraqi civilians, wasted billions, Taliban resurgence, expiration of the assault weapons ban, North Korea, Iran, intelligent design, swift boat hit squads, and on and on. …
Bush ran on a pledge of “restoring honor and integrity” to the White House. Instead, he brought us Tom DeLay, Roy Blunt, Katherine Harris, John Doolittle, Jerry Lewis, Richard Pombo, Mark Foley, Dennis Hastert, David Safavian, Jack Abramoff, Ralph Reed, Karl Rove and an illegal and immoral war in Iraq.
JEERS to Planet Chaos. At C&J, when it comes to BREAKING NEWS, we know what you want and what you need. Since I know your time is valuable, and since we won’t be meeting up here again until tomorrow night, and since no one else is available—RIP, Edward R. Murrow—to gather, analyze, prioritize, edit, and report the news, and since the lamestream media is fixated on nothing but testicle tanners and Will Smith’s impending divorce, here’s a quick rundown of what’s going on globally, compiled from over four thousand documents I spent half the night analyzing. Caution: #5 will SHOCK you:
Myanmar, China, Syria: Don’t forget the genocides also happening here, please. Exposed Wires: Don’t touch! Yemen: Don’t even go there. Germany: Don’t worry, we’re re-arming for good this time. Central America: Don’t bet the farm. South Africa: Don’t even think about it. International Space Station: Don’t jump! Thailand: Don’t touch my mango sticky rice. United Arab Emirates: Don’t spill your caviar on my yacht. Polar Ice Caps: Don’t mind us, we’re just converting from solid to liquid. New Zealand: No worries here, we’re doing great!
Conclusion: New Zealand is not a team player.
JEERS to stupids for Jesus. In my home state of Ohio, a professor at a university just won several hundred thousand dollars for claiming that he was being forced to refer to students by their preferred pronouns against his sincerely-held religious convictions:
Nick Meriwether, a philosophy professor at Shawnee State University in Portsmouth, Ohio, sued the college in 2018 after he was disciplined for not using she/her pronouns to refer to a transgender woman, according to a news release from Alliance Defending Freedom (ADF).
In a January 2018 philosophy class, Meriwether responded to the student by using the phrase “Yes, sir.” Once the class ended, the student asked Meriwether to use she/her pronouns when addressing her, but Meriwether refused to do so.
The court ruled that university officials violated the professor’s free speech rights when they disciplined him.
That story again: Students at Shawnee State University now free to refer to Professor Nick as “Miss Meriwether” or they’ll see him in court.
CHEERS to going back in time half a century (your time travel coordinates may vary). Happy Kindergarten Day. It’s the day when we fondly look back and remember those golden moments sitting around in a big building eating paste, running around with shoes untied, making crude misspelled signs on construction paper with giant markers, not making it to the bathroom in time, throwing tantrums, enjoying extended nappy time, and babbling constant nonsense with no particular point. Or As the House Freedom Caucus calls it: Thursday.
CHEERS to the energizer monarch. Queen Elizabeth II marks her birthday—number 96—today. As an American descended from the patriots who violently overthrew the yoke of British oppression over 245 years ago, I should be bitter and vindictive toward her and her country full of haggis-inhaling wankers who wanted to tax the knee stockings off our legs. But, of course, I can’t. I mean, for Benny Hill’s sake, look at that face:
The pandemic still prevents me from my usual routine of flying across The Pond and properly marking the occasion by singing the birthday song and giving her a pinch to grow an inch. It’s probably for the best. Obamcare’s great, but I’ve hit my limit for time spent in traction.
JEERS to the man-made creature that created a black lagoon. Today marks the 12th anniversary of the Deepwater Horizon oil disaster, which killed 11 rig workers and a whole bunch of sea life, and spewed 134-million gallons of crude into the Gulf of Mexico. On the first anniversary in 2011 I wrote in C&J: “like the perpetrators of the ’08 financial collapse, many among the oilpocalypse’s guilty parties will, mark my words, go unpunished.” And so they mostly did, and we apparently learned nothing from it:
[G]overnment data reviewed by the Associated Press shows the number of safety inspection visits has declined in recent years, although officials say checks of electronic records, safety systems and individual oil rig components have increased. […]
The busted blowout preventer made for some of the most horrifying live television in April of 2010. And it could absolutely happen again.
“I’m concerned that in the industry the lessons aren’t fully learned—that we’re tending to backslide,” said Donald Boesch, a university of Maryland professor who was on a federal commission that found the BP blowout was preventable. […]
Warnings and citations to companies for safety or environmental violations peaked in 2012 and have since fallen faster than inspection visits. The decline accelerated under the current administration. … Fewer inspections and citations suggests safety improvements after the spill are unraveling, said Matt Lee-Ashley, formerly of the Interior Department.
As if he doesn’t have enough on his plate, President Biden has this problem to fix, too. But the big question that’s been keeping me up since that fateful night in 2010 is: “Hey, Tony Hayward! Did you get your life back yet??!” Or, to be more accurate, it’s the question the guy I hired still asks over and over under his bedroom window with a bullhorn every night.
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 21, 2012
JEERS to punishing the poor. Republicans claim that drug testing welfare recipients will SAVE MONEY! and SNARE DRUG USERS! and REDUCE APPLICATIONS! Except, y’know…
[A] Florida law requiring drug tests for people who seek welfare benefits resulted in no direct savings, snared few drug users and had no effect on the number of applications, according to recently released state data.
Naturally, since the results don’t save money in the slightest, Governor Rick Scott will stop this invasive and demeaning practice, right? Wrong. It was never about saving money—it was all about funneling money to his drug-testing company buddies. The demeaning part was just a happy side benefit. Awesome job, Florida voters. When you elect an idiot, you don’t mess around. [4/21/22 Update: Today Florida’s governor is Ron DeSantis, making Florida ground zero for proof that Darwin’s theory of evolution also works in reverse.]
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Hannibal’s favorite son. Mark Twain, a man whose bullshit detector went to 11, died 112 years ago today, on April 21, 1910. He went out just as he predicted—with Halley’s comet. But not before Mr. Samuel Langhorne Clemens pumped out decades of literary brilliance and observational wit whose edge is still razor-sharp:
“Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.”
“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”
Twain with pootie.
“Always respect your superiors; if you have any.”
“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
“Conservatism is the blind and fear-filled worship of dead radicals.”
“It is not best that we should all think alike; it is a difference of opinion that makes horse races.”
“Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been.”
“It’s easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled.”
He was anti-slavery, pro-women’s rights, clear-eyed about religion, and a supporter of labor unions. Occasionally humorous, too. Pay your respects here. But don’t offer him one of his beloved cigars, please. Those things can kill ya.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial
“You are never going to escape the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool. A part of you will be somewhere in it, even if it’s a tiny bit of dust.”
