Trump adviser says God created executive orders to save Americans from ‘divided government’

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For those of you who were literally just born, let us explain a bit of history from the before-times of the Barack Obama presidency. During those years, Republicans, conservatives, and racists—but I repeat myself—were all absolutely certain that President Barack Obama’s executive orders on take-your-pick were “tyranny.” They were “menacing” evidence of an emerging dictatorship, and an affront to the Framers, and evidence of the “corruptibility of power,” and that’s just from a single Fox News freak-out.

Now it is One White President later and conservatives would like you to know that Actually, presidential executive orders come from Jesus.

Are you clear now, American citizenry? Before Trump: Executive orders are tyranny. After Trump: God Himself literally created executive orders to deliver our nation from bickering. The Lord is indifferent to whether our government kills 160,000 people through gross incompetence, but hates bickering. So He delivered unto the Founding Fathers an Eleventh Commandment: Everybody shut up and do what Captain Taxcheat von Rapeguy says. There you go, problem solved.

Peter Navarro is, and you probably will need to look this up on Google because even they themselves are perpetually unclear on just what job responsibilities each of these ambulatory migraines is supposed to have, so what chance to you have, is in theory Trump’s Director of Trade and Manufacturing Policy. He was courted to the role because Jared Kushner saw his name on Amazon, and also appears to be nominally in charge of some large percentage of this nation’s entire pandemic preparedness “plan” for some reason, including which magic medicines Americans should be taking. His main recent career has been Saying Things On Television, most of which continues to be proven wrong.

But he knows which policies do and do not come from directly from God, a remarkable power that has nonetheless proven unhelpful in formulating actual government policies. This is probably because it is a power touted by seemingly every single conservative Republican in existence—a lot of divine overkill for something that appears to boil down to “when we do it God likes it.”