Indiana-born Kurt Vonnegut, who balanced his time between this universe and the alternate ones of his creation, died 15 years ago this week. So it goes. Wrote Dinitia Smith in her New York Timesobituary:
Like Mark Twain, Mr. Vonnegut used humor to tackle the basic questions of human existence: Why are we in this world? Is there a presiding figure to make sense of all this, a god who in the end, despite making people suffer, wishes them well? […]
Not all Mr. Vonnegut’s themes were metaphysical. With a blend of vernacular writing, science fiction, jokes and philosophy, he also wrote about the banalities of consumer culture, for example, or the destruction of the environment.
A good time to remind ourselves below the fold why he was…well…Kurt Vonnegut:
Continued…
“The big trouble with dumb bastards is that they are too dumb to believe there is such a thing as being smart.”
“Being a Humanist means trying to behave decently without expectation of rewards or punishment after you are dead.”
Kurt made the world safe for bed heads everywhere.
“The good earth—we could have saved it, but we were too damn cheap and lazy.”
“It’s perfectly ordinary to be a socialist. It’s perfectly normal to be in favor of fire departments.”
“Librarians, not famous for their physical strength or their powerful political connections or their great wealth, who, all over this country, have staunchly resisted anti-democratic bullies who have tried to remove certain books from their shelves and have refused to reveal to thought police the names of persons who have checked out the titles.”
“Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.”
“As for preparing this country against an attack from anti-missile anti-missile anti-missiles. By developing an anti-missile anti-missile anti-missile anti-missile, I may be in the minority, but I think the American people should spend the money on hospitals and housing and schools and Ferris wheels instead.”
And my favorite, which remains my personal motto for the 57th consecutive year:
I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, April 13, 2022
Note: Please don’t say “gay.” Yell it through a bullhorn like a proper lady or gentleman. Thank you.
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By the Numbers:
7 days.
Days ’til Arbor Day: 11
Days ’til 420 Day: 7
Percent of Americans polled by ABC News/Ipsos who mostly blame Putin and/or oil companies for price hikes at the pump: 70%
Percent chance that Russia just defaulted on its foreign debt, according to Standard & Poors: 100%
Number of K-Mart stores that’ll be left (down from over 2,000) when the one in Avenel, NJ closes this week: 3
Rank of Atlanta, Dallas-Fort Worth, and Denveron the latest list of busiest airports in the world: #1, #2, #3
Year Baskin-Robbins, which saw an 11% spike in ice cream sales last year, was founded: 1945
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Mid-weekRapture Index: 187 (including 5 “Liberalisms” and 2 days ’til the Big Event). Soul Protection Factor 16 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
JEERS to inflation. After promising that it would only be a blip on the economic radar, it’s now poised to do to Democrats in November what Ukraine is now doing to Russia’s tank convoys. Holy shit:
U.S. inflation data hit a multidecade high last month amid surging gas prices and skyrocketing rents, climbing to 8.5 percent, the Bureau of Labor Statistics reported Tuesday.
Believe it or not, I looked it up and this effing thing is the root cause of all the inflation right now.
A survey by the financial data group FactSet had predicted that the inflation reading for March would come in at 8.4 percent year-over-year—the highest rate since December 1981 and an increase from February’s 7.9 percent.
Ah yes, December 1981. Two months before the Oscar for best actor and actress went to Henry Fonda and Katherine Hepburn for On Golden Pond. But there is a bright side to all this. And as soon I find out what it is, I’ll let you know.
CHEERS to trouble in Gooper Land. I’m under no illusions that these hiccups will go anywhere, but it’s still nice to see citizens who love their country press the case that those trying to tear it down should be kept from being leaders in it. To that end…
Marjorie Taylor Greene is in trouble because “A federal judge seems likely to rule that a lawsuit seeking to bar conspiracy theory-pushing Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, R-Ga., from running for re-election [because of her aid to the Jan. 6 insurrection] can go forward.” Also: she apparently has a strong primary challenger and is a’ scared.
They’re taking it well.
Madison Cawthorn is in trouble because “11th-District voters say Cawthorn should be disqualified from running for office again because he violated Section 3 of the U.S. Constitution’s 14th Amendment … [which] prohibits a government official from running if they previously swore an oath to the Constitution and subsequently engaged in an insurrection.”
Lauren Boebert is in trouble because she’s Lauren Boebert.
And Dr. Oz is in trouble because when the previous Republican president—aka Captain Insurrection—endorsed him, the MAGA cult exploded in outrage because they think he’s Oprah in a rubber Dr. Oz suit and not, as some believe, JFK Jr. in a rubber Dr. Oz suit.
I’m sure they’ll devote whatever time and resources they need to bully their way out of their respective jams. I mean, it’s not like they work or anything.
CHEERS to #3. Happy 279th birthday to founding father and President #3 Thomas Jefferson. Cormac O’Brien’s book Secret Lives of theU.S.Presidents sums up the “Sage of Monticello” rather well (although we’re quick to do a facepalm over his ownership and treatment of slaves which was, shall we say, deplorable):
Thomas Jefferson was the walking, talking embodiment of the Enlightenment, a polymath whose list of achievements is as long as it is incredibly varied.
As if penning the Declaration of Independence, sitting as governor of Virginia during the Revolution, and serving as Secretary of State in George Washington’s first term weren’t enough, he went on to do much more—architecture, linguistics, agriculture, philosophy, music, prose, you name it. While others dabbled, Jefferson mastered.
Nice digs, Tom.
He left behind a vast collection of essays and correspondence, which reveal a mind of stunning complexity and apparent contradictions. Jefferson was an avowed abolitionist whose fortune relied on a large population of slaves, a forward-thinking humanist whose opinions on minorities such as Native Americans could be truly alarming; a man whose awkwardness around women stood in stark contrast to his legendary romances.
Pay your respects here. Jefferson, by the way, was also “fond of greeting ambassadors in his pajamas—a practice that most of them found appalling.” If you ring our doorbell tonight, I’ll treat ya to a free reenactment with a bonus spritz of Cheez Whiz..
CHEERS to happy endings. 52 years ago this week, en route to the moon, Apollo 13commander Tom Hanks Jim Lovell Are you sure it was Jim Lovell and not Tom Hanks, I think it was Tom Hanks Jim Lovell announced, “Houston, we’ve got a problem” after Richard Nixon used his Sith powers to cause an oxygen tank to explode. (Did too! Look it up!)
Through sheer brilliance on the part of NASA’s team and the crew, they returned safely four days later. A “successful failure” is what they called that mission. Or as it’s also known: “a typical day at Fox News.”
P.S. Only 709 monthly payments to go and Jim Lovell will have paid for the damage. (They begged him to buy Geico exploding-oxygen-tank insurance, but did he listen? Noooo…)
CHEERS to the calm before the storms. Last week we highlighted for-profit weather forecasting company AccuWeather’s Atlantic hurricane season predictions: 16-20 named storms—5 sponsored by Nabisco, 6 sponsored by Nike, and 9 sponsored by various drugs you should ask your doctor if they’re right for you because YES, YES, YES THEY ARE HERE TAKE A FISTFUL AND COME BACK FOR MORE!!! Now, with just 49 days to go, the meteorological elves at Colorado State University are out with their 2022 forecast(pdf). They’re predicting a more active year than last year: 19 named storms (up from 17 in 2021) and 9 hurricanes…4 of them major. But more important, check to see if your name is on the 2022 storm list:
Don’t forget: if a hurricane with your name on it causes any damage, it’s up to you to pay for it. Don’t blame me, I don’t make the rules, I just—[pats baseball bat]—enforce ‘em.
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 13, 2012
CHEERS to getting his day in court. George Zimmerman was told by police to stay in his van. What kind of asshole feels such animosity and suspicion of someone that they would disregard that order, stalk a kid, and get in a scuffle that results in a homicide? That’s what I keep asking myself: What was he thinking??? I guess we’ll find out when Zimmerman goes before a jury of his peers on charges of second-degree murder.
[Nancy Grace cartwheels past Bill in Portland Maine, shouting “Wheeee!!!!”]
Gee, I hope this doesn’t turn into a circus.
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And just one more…
CHEERS and JEERS to hippity-hoppin’ back to normalcy. It’s the most Paaserrifictime of the year—Easter! And for the first time since the Trump Plague enveloped the land, the White House Easter Egg Roll is back on. This year the child who finds the golden egg wins the most coveted prize in all the land: a tank of gas at 2020 prices. (Remember kids: no biting, kicking, or stuffing other children in trash bins—and that goes for you, too, not just your parents.)
But you know what sucks this year? The souvenir wooden Easter Egg Roll eggs that I’ve collected since I was knee-high to a grasshopper are effing SOLD OUT. Gone within hours of going on sale. Poof. Sawdust in the wind. (But, of course, already available via the vultures on eBay for five times the original price.) But fear not. I have come up with a solution that takes advantage of EXCLUSIVE CHEERS AND JEERS CUTTING EDGE TECHNOLOGY. Here’s a pic of this year’s eggs:
Worthless on its own, yes. But when I label it a “Non Fungible Token” and you print it out for your very own? You got yourself a set of collector’s eggs worth a cool $250,000 on the crypto market. And that’sno yolk! Thank you and good night!
Have a happy humpday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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